Filed Under: WTF News, Satirical Bylines, Government Gaslighting
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move that stunned lawmakers, chefs, and stoners alike, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) has officially reclassified marijuana as a “leafy green vegetable with mild psychoactive properties,” citing its chlorophyll content, culinary versatility, and growing presence in “wellness-forward communities.”
The change, announced in a leaked DEA memo titled “Botanical Reclassification Protocol: Cannabis sativa,” marks the agency’s first successful attempt to modernize federal drug policy since 1970, when marijuana was erroneously shoved into Schedule I alongside heroin and LSD.
“It grows in dirt. It’s green. It’s a vegetable,” DEA spokesperson Dwight Penderson told Pot Culture Magazine in a closed-door briefing.
“Frankly, the old system was too complicated. Vegetables don’t require a rescheduling vote—they just require a revised USDA label.”
A New Spot on the Food Pyramid
According to the DEA’s updated guidelines, marijuana will now share classification status with kale, Swiss chard, and bok choy, although officials were quick to clarify that psychoactive effects may vary depending on strain, preparation method, and mood lighting.
“Cannabis is technically closer to spinach than cocaine,” said Dr. Harriet Blume, a “plant-based psychoactives consultant” who advised the DEA’s reclassification board.
“And when sautéed correctly, it pairs beautifully with garlic and low-dose CBD olive oil.”
Edibles, long considered a legal gray area, are now expected to be regulated under FDA snack food guidelines, prompting massive confusion for dispensary owners and grocery chains alike.
“Does this mean I can sell weed in the produce aisle?”
— Gino “Greenfingers” Morales, Los Angeles budtender and part-time farmer’s market vendor.
Bureaucratic B.S. in Action
The reclassification comes on the heels of mounting pressure from activists, state governors, and a White House that now runs on pure chaos, corporate lobbyists, and McDonald’s drive-thru bags.
“Look, a lot of people—very smart people—say marijuana is green, vegetables are green. I said, ‘Put it on the pyramid, make it happen,’ and guess what? We did it. We rebranded the whole thing. Tremendous,” said President Donald J. Trump, during a press conference held outside a Florida Topgolf.
“I even have my people sprinkle it on my Big Mac. Sometimes the Quarter Pounder, too. Very leafy. Very natural. Best diet ever.”
White House Press Secretary Brandi Klonopin, a former CBD brand ambassador turned communications director, offered clarification from a hot tub livestream on Rumble:
“We’re not legalizing it—we’re ‘vegetabling’ it. Big difference. This is part of President Trump’s new ‘America Eats First’ initiative.”
Behind the scenes, staffers were reportedly instructed to avoid the word “drug” entirely, and instead refer to marijuana as a “freedom plant with salad potential.” The new government classification officially lists it as a “psychoactive cruciferous supplement,” suitable for home gardens, gas station shelves, and patriotic smoothies.
“It’s about choice,” said a confidential USDA source.
“If you want to eat weed like kale, or smoke kale like weed, that’s between you and your gut flora.”
And in a final twist, the DEA’s website has updated its drug schedule to include a dropdown menu labeled “Entrees or Edibles?” The only two responses are “Depends on the dose” and “Ask your server.”
Stoners Are… Confused But Thrilled
Reactions across the country have ranged from celebratory to baffled to… hungry.
“Wait, so like, my salad is now illegal in Idaho?”
— @420Librarian69, in a tweet that went viral within an hour of the announcement.
In Portland, a group of college students gathered in Pioneer Courthouse Square to host a “vegetable vape-off,” blending spinach, arugula, and Sour Diesel in an ill-fated attempt to “hit the food pyramid from every angle.”
“This is the first time I’ve ever been excited about vegetables,” said Delilah Reigns, a culinary student who admits she’s been microdosing lettuce since 2019.
“My mom can’t judge me anymore—this is technically a salad now.”
The Rise of the Leafy Green Act
Congressional Democrats were quick to capitalize on the chaos, introducing a new bill titled the Leafy Green Access & Regulation Expansion (L-GARE) Act, which would allow federally subsidized school lunches to include infused croutons, provided the THC level remains under 0.5mg.
“We’re just trying to ensure equitable access to psychoactive produce,” said Rep. Tierra Moss (D-CA), a co-sponsor of the bill.
“And let’s be honest—school lunch could use a little elevation.”
Fox News Has a Meltdown
On Fox News, the response was predictable and glorious.
“They’re getting your kids high and calling it a salad!” shouted primetime host Craig Tufflin, while holding up a romaine head with a joint taped to it.
“This is the deep herb state in action!”
In the same segment, a former DEA agent turned “wellness consultant” appeared with a warning:
“Today it’s weed. Tomorrow it’s psilocybin in your pesto.”
As the nation reels from the news that marijuana is now part of a balanced diet, experts say the long-term impact remains hazy. But if this policy holds, April 1, 2025, will forever be remembered as the day the War on Drugs lost to the produce aisle.
“This story is part of Pot Culture Magazine’s April 1st satire series. No vegetables or bureaucrats were harmed in the making of this article.”
© 2025 Pot Culture Magazine. All rights reserved. This content is the exclusive property of Pot Culture Magazine and may not be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission from the publisher, except for brief quotations in critical reviews.
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