Filed Under: Weekly Burn
DUMBEST POLICY MOVE: Florida Wants to Yank Your Weed Card If You Ever Got Busted for Weed
Welcome to Florida, where medical marijuana is legal, but having a marijuana past might disqualify you from having a marijuana present. This week, a legislative move as asinine as a bath salt bill took shape in Tallahassee. A proposed policy would allow the state to revoke or suspend medical marijuana cards for anyone charged, not even convicted, with certain drug crimes, including low-level cannabis offenses.
Let that marinate. You get caught with weed, then years later, you apply for a card to legally access weed. Florida says no, you’re a criminal. Enjoy your pain in silence.
The proposal doesn’t just target future applicants either. It opens the door to retroactive punishment, yanking cards from current patients with old records. One clause suggests that even if charges are dropped or dismissed, the state could suspend your access while the case is “resolved.”
So, in Florida logic, you’re innocent until proven high.
This is prohibition déjà vu in the medical era. A system allegedly built to offer safe, legal access to cannabis now wants to bar people precisely because they’ve had a relationship with cannabis. Imagine telling a recovering alcoholic he can’t get medication because he once had a DUI, or denying chemo patients. After all, they used to drink.
And for what, public safety? There’s no link between prior drug charges and dangerous cannabis behavior. If anything, people with a past record are more likely to want legal access because they know the risk of not having it.
But that’s not how Florida politics works. They see the growing legalization wave and ask how they can screw this up and still call it reform.
The bill’s language is vague and gutless, relying on murky phrasing like “suspend until resolved” and “may revoke.” There’s no clear definition for what constitutes a revocable offense. Got caught with a joint in college? Could be you. Helped a friend grow a plant? It might be you. Sold a dime bag in 2002? Definitely you.
If this becomes law, expect the black market to throw a block party. Why bother registering for a card if the state can yank it the moment you trip a legal wire? This kind of punitive backtracking tells people we’ll legalize weed, but only for the people who never needed it in the first place.
Florida has long had a love-hate relationship with cannabis. They’ll sell it, tax it, regulate it, and brag about it, but they’ll never quite trust the people who use it. Especially not the ones who used it before it was cool.
SHITSHOW OF THE WEEK
MedMen, from Billion Dollar Brand to Burnt-Out Shell
MedMen has officially entered its financial afterlife. Once hailed as the Apple Store of weed, the company is now circling the liquidation drain with court-appointed receivers carving up what’s left.
Founded in California and expanded recklessly across multiple states, MedMen hit a peak valuation near three billion dollars. Then came lawsuits, unpaid bills, shuttered stores, staff walkouts, and the kind of leadership turnover that makes Congress look stable.
As of April, MedMen filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. In plain English, they’re done. No reorg, no comeback. The logo might get auctioned off next to used display cases and crumpled ad contracts.
Let this be a lesson. Big weed doesn’t mean smart weed. You can’t brand your way out of a fiscal collapse when your entire business plan is built on celebrity sizzle and red blazers.
STONER ODDITY OF THE WEEK
New York Dispensaries Are Selling the Strangest Weed Gifts You’ve Ever Seen
In a holiday sales push, dispensaries across New York are cashing in on weed-adjacent absurdity. From joint-shaped soap bars to cannabis coloring books and a 420-themed board game called “Roll to Freedom,” retailers are hawking gifts that scream, “I barely know this person, but I know they’re high.”
With more than 260 licensed dispensaries open and a crowded market, some shops are pushing novelty harder than flower. Customers can pick up lighters with dad jokes, rolling trays with renaissance art, and even pot-scented candles that promise to “hide the smell by becoming the smell.”
It’s capitalism with a contact buzz. And honestly, if someone hands you a joint soap bar this year, try not to light it.
BEST STONER MYTH OF THE WEEK:
Texas Man Allegedly Busted for Driving with Bong Built into Steering Wheel
No, this didn’t happen. At least not in any verified report. But it’s floating around online as the latest stoner legend, and it’s just too stupid not to love.
The tale goes like this. A man in Houston was pulled over driving a Dodge Charger with a fully functional bong built into the steering wheel. He told cops it was “decorative” and called the car his “emotional support hotbox.” The cops allegedly confiscated the bong, the weed, and the car, leaving the man to ride home in a haze of regret and creativity.
Totally unverifiable, completely ridiculous, and absolutely worth a spot in stoner folklore. If it ever turns out to be true, we’ll issue a correction. Until then, file it under “urban lit.”
FINAL GRADE FOR THE WEEK:
C minus. Florida fumbles the reform ball, MedMen dies the most predictable death in cannabis history, and New York tries to giftwrap a market that still needs consistency. The only high note is that we’re still here, still watching, rating. Try harder, weed world.
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