Stoner Survival Guide: How to Act Normal When You’re Way Too High

^{Filed Under: Too High, Don’t Die, Stoner Survival Mode}

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You’ve gone too far. One more hit than necessary, a brownie that lied to you, a joint passed one too many times—and now, reality is unraveling. Your heartbeat is a jackhammer in a tin can, your hands feel like they belong to someone else, and suddenly, you’re hyper-aware of every movement, every breath, every fucking blink. And worse? You’re convinced everyone knows. But don’t spiral—this Stoner Survival Guide is here to keep you from turning into a human glitch in the matrix. Read on, stay cool, and for the love of weed, stop overthinking your breathing. Relax, you are okay!

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🔥 Emergency Mode: Your Brain is Lying to You

When you’re too high, your mind can play tricks on you, leading to feelings of paranoia or anxiety. Remember:

• Breathe deeply. Inhale for four seconds, hold for four and exhale for four. Repeat. This helps calm your nervous system.
• Ground yourself. Use the 5-4-3-2-1 trick: Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. This technique anchors you to the present moment.
• Remind yourself: You are not dying. You are just high. This will pass.

🚨 YOU ARE FINE. YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU ARE JUST HIGH. 🚨

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🥤 Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate

• Cottonmouth is real. Keep a drink on hand. Water is best, but if that’s not an option, iced coffee or juice works.
• Avoid milk. Trust me on this one. It won’t help.

Pro Tip: Staying hydrated not only alleviates dry mouth but also helps you feel more grounded. Sip slowly and regularly.

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🕶 Eyes on the Prize: The Stoner’s Guide to Looking Normal

• Red eyes? Eye drops to the rescue. (Travel size recommended.) If you are outdoors, sunglasses are your best friend. (But don’t wear them indoors—now you just look suspicious, unless you’re Bono.)
• Blink normally. Don’t stare, but don’t avoid eye contact like you just committed a felony. Relax—no one is scrutinizing you that hard. People break eye contact naturally all the time, so just do what feels comfortable. If in doubt, glance at their forehead instead of their eyes—it works.

💡 Confidence is key: Trust that you look more composed than you feel.

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🗣 When You Have to Speak… Keep It Short

• High people love to ramble. Don’t.
• Answer questions simply. Stick to “yes” or “no” when possible.
• If you’re laughing at nothing, fake a cough. Works every time.

💡 Stay calm: Pauses in conversation are normal. You don’t have to fill every silence.

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🚶‍♂️ Master the Walk

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• If you feel wobbly, slow down. Walk like you always do—no need to overcorrect with an exaggerated “I’m definitely sober” strut.
• If you’re standing still, don’t sway like a tree in the wind.

💡 Be mindful: Focus on your steps, and take your time. There’s no rush.

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📍 Know Your Escape Routes

• If you’re too far gone, find a safe space.
• Bathrooms, quiet corners, or a trusted friend’s house are ideal hideouts.

💡 Plan ahead: Knowing where you can retreat to can ease anxiety.

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😂 How to Survive Social Situations

• If you don’t know what someone just said, nod and agree.
• Avoid deep conversations. Your brain isn’t ready.
• If you start giggling for no reason, fake a sneeze or cough.

💡 Blend in: Engage in group activities that require less talking, like watching a movie.

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🍕 The Munchies: Friend or Foe?

• Munchies are inevitable. Don’t overdo it.
• Ordering 3 pizzas for yourself? Dead giveaway.
• If someone asks, “Are you okay?” Just say, “Yeah, just hungry.”

💡 Moderation is key: Enjoy your snacks, but keep it reasonable.

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🛌 If All Else Fails: Sleep It Off

• If you can dip out and nap, do it. Sleep is the best cure.
• But if you’re stuck somewhere, just chill. Ride it out. It will pass.

💡 Remember: No one has ever been stuck high forever. This too shall pass.

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🚫 Myth-Busting: What NOT to Do

When you’re too high, it’s easy to fall for common myths about sobering up. Let’s set the record straight:

• 🚫 “A cold shower will sober you up instantly!” → It might wake you up, but it won’t clear THC out of your system.
• 🚫 “If I eat a ton of food, I’ll get unhigh faster.” → Nope, you’ll just be high AND full. Digestion doesn’t process THC that way.
• 🚫 “Drinking alcohol will balance me out.” → No, it’ll likely make things worse. Mixing alcohol and weed can intensify both.

FACT: People are more focused on themselves, no one is paying as much attention to you as you think they are.

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🗣 Expert Advice

“Remember, no one has ever died from a cannabis overdose. The effects will wear off with time.” — Dr. Peter Grinspoon, Harvard Medical School Source

💡 Repeat after me: “This is temporary. I am fine.”

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